


Steven Potatoverse

by GemsWriteMan (RobotsWriteMan)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 20:18:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9564746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobotsWriteMan/pseuds/GemsWriteMan
Summary: Fox only, no items: the Final Destination. These are the voyages of the Potato Ship Stevenprize. Its dumb-year mission: to explore strange new salads. To seek out croutons and ranch dressing. To boldly go where no spud has pooped before.





	

Once upon a time in the magical land of Potatoquestria, there were four Big Potatoes, White, Red, Yellow and Blue, who ruled over all vegetablekind. 

Yellow Potato was brash and bold. She spoke very loudly, and liked fighting a lot. She was a fantastic military leader, and secretly, she scared most of the other potatoes around her. Mostly, she was just really, really cool.

Blue Potato was quiet and kind, and maybe a little shy. She was a wise seer, but mostly she spent her days crying. Like, a lot. Copious volumes of cryfluid from every one of her eyes, all the time. It was gross, and she was the very definition of un-cool.

White Potato is not appearing in this story, so who cares.

And then there was Red Potato. Red Potato was the best potato, and all the other potatoes loved her. They would spend their days scheming to get close to Red Potato before any of the other potatoes. They would spend their nights dreaming of making French fries with Red Potato, but those dreams were not meant for children, so we won't go into any details. Red Potato was so amazing and marvelous that, without her, none of the other Big Potatoes would have a reason to live.

Yellow Potato tried to bully her fellow Big Potatoes, to keep them away from Red Potato's sprouts. She tried to woo Red Potato with feats of strength and valor. It was really awesome and sexy of her, but Red Potato never seemed to notice or something.

Blue Potato wrote sappy, emotional poetry to try and win Red Potato's heart. She spent her nights mooning over the thought of even one loving caress from Red Potato. When they were apart, she would do stuff like sigh and swoon and beat her chest or whatever. What a yutz.

White Potato was totally in love with Red Potato, too, but she's _totally not in this story_ , and this is _seriously the last time I mention her_.

At the same time, in another part of the universe, there was a band of fruits and vegetables, and they were called, uh...

Number of syllables, inflection...

They were called the Fruit and Veg, yeah, that's right! They even had a theme song, and it went like this:

_WE_  
_Are the Fruit and_  
_Veg!_  
_We always save the place!_  
_And if you think we can't_  
_We'll_  
_Julienne your face!_  
_That's why the veggies here and there_  
_Believe in_  
_Carrot!_  
_Asparagus!_  
_And Pear!  
_ _And Steven!_

They julienned a lot of faces, believe you me. And yes, one of them was named Steven. He's not in this story, either. Vegetable puns are hard, shut up.

Anyway, their leader, Ruby Red Grapefruit, was the sworn enemy of the Big Potatoes. She had once served in their salad armies but defected in the name of protecting the place! And one day, Ruby Red Grapefruit said:

"It is time for me to live up to my family name and face Full Potato Consequences! And also end your reign of tyranny, Big Potatoes!"

So she mashed Red Potato.

All the other Big Potatoes got super-sad. Well, mostly Blue Potato did, that weird, weepy whiner, but Yellow Potato got super-mad, too. She cried out in love-lost anguish or something, then sent a huge fleet of warships to the place to stop the Fruit and Veg and juice Ruby Red Grapefruit!

Defying all expectations, this did not work. Yellow Potato's revenge was never fulfilled. Ruby Red Grapefruit _did_ eventually get juiced somehow, but she, like, did it to herself? She was trying to make seeds with one of the veggies from the place, and it turned into a Steven and honestly, I don't have the faintest idea what it is I'm talking about right now, so let's just forget I said anything.

The point is, Blue Potato was sad and Yellow Potato was angry. Yellow Potato did a lot of storming around, shouting at things and smashing stuff and probably mashing more than one of her underlings who got in the way.

Blue Potato just cried. A lot. She would sometimes go to the place when notato was watching, to visit the spot where Red Potato got mashed. Then she would cry some more. Geez, what a crytato.

But despite their differences, one thing would unite Yellow Potato and Blue Potato forevermore: their deep, unending love for the late, lost Red Potato, who absolutely _must_ have been the best potato ever, since everytato loved her so darn much.

Why is Red Potato so great, anyway? Being involved with the place got her mashed! That's pretty dumb!

And Yellow Potato _totally_ could have gotten with Blue Potato if she really _wanted_ to. They could have, I don't know, bonded over their mutual loss. Except Yellow Potato is way too good for Blue Potato. She probably would have, like, lead her on, then dramatically spurned her affections. That would've been cool! Yellow Potato is so awesome. And then Yellow Potato would be the undisputed master of potatokind or veggiekind or whatever the heck I called them.

Ugh, where was I even going with this?

* * *

Peridot sighed, thunking the two potatoes together once more before allowing her arms to flop to the ground at either side of her. Above, a fluffy white cloud drifted through a sky that was an ever-so-slightly disconcerting shade of light blue. She would never get used to that blueness.

Speaking of things that were blue, some toes emerged from the corn to her left. Peri looked up at the blazé face of her roommate, former enemy and possible friend, Lapis Lazuli.

"Are you out here playing with vegetables again?" asked Lapis, betraying no sign of what she might think of such an activity. "Don't claim you weren't. I could hear you from the other side of the corn field."

Peridot sighed again. "Yes." She clenched the potatoes in her fists. In their uncooked state, they were frustratingly unmashable. "My carefully-crafted drama wound up going nowhere in the end."

A cool breeze blew by. Somewhere, the happy barking of their horrid pumpkin abomination rang out as it chased something or other. Peridot could almost believe she was happy.

"You're a dork," said Lapis. Without another word, she stepped backward into the corn, vanishing from sight.

"I know," sighed Peridot one last time. "I know."

**Author's Note:**

> After seeing the Stevenbomb leak in January, I was marvelling over just how much everyone was in fucking love with Red Diamond, and then I was peeling potatoes and realized the four Diamond colors are the same as potato colors, and then this happened. I am not sorry. (My favorite part is "And Pear".)


End file.
